After a divorce in 1997, feeling rejected and abandoned, my insecurity and emotions began spiraling. I was not aware this was happening, my growing emotionalism felt normal to me. I became increasingly reactive, argumentative, and defensive. I saw most people trying to control me. My people problem’s and chaos grew. The disorganization in my home grew to the point I could hardly get out the door. Shame, confusion, and chaos of all sorts fed off each other.
It took me a long time to realize these were “my” weaknesses or victim “point of view”, rather than blaming others for my discomfort.
I desperately wanted to be in a great relationship, it was the only thing that mattered to me. I couldn’t get past three months in an intimate relationship. Each of these relationships was filled with emotions that were flamed by sex and the breakups were agonizing.
Exhausted with my people problems, I turned my Wall Street job in 1997 into my relationship laboratory. When an email got me angry, I put my finger on, “what exactly triggered me?” When someone annoyed me, again, I would put my finger on what triggered me. I kept a list of all these behaviors I didn’t like. With this heightened awareness of “annoying behaviors,” I began to realize I did all of these behaviors to others. Maybe in some cases not as extreme, maybe in some I only “thought” something similar to what was said, or I said it more politely, but I did it all.
I have learned an entirely new way to look at relationships, particularly romantic relationships, for healing. I have been on this journey, transforming my upsets with a level of commitment that is not matched by many. You will know this from speaking to me, I bring fresh perspectives that sing to your soul as true. I share my stories and struggles freely.